WHAT DOES YOUR BAG SAY ABOUT YOU?

So there’s this book written by some fashion hack (not me by the way) who thinks you can tell a lot about someone’s personality by what type of bag they have.
Is there any truth in this? Let’s find out. With my snap judgements, totally unfounded opinions and savage wit I’ll take a stab.
The book suggested for example that if you own a fringed bag then you seek out artistic types for potential bf material. Forget the fact that fringed bags might be in at the moment (they’re not, bar Jil Sander’s gorgeous fringed clutch two seasons ago) and a fistful of other possibilities as to why you own the bag you do.

Jil Sander Fringe bag, 312.50 Euros @ Luisaviaroma.com

Take me. I used to have a bunk-ass Country Road duffel with a busted zipper and sun-bleached canvas. It used to be black then turned into an orange mess. Perhaps it suited me. I am a mess after all. Maybe a big bag suggests I’m ready for anything and prepared for all occasions. My friends would laugh at that statement but I was prepared. Once. I went to Parklife and brought four plastic rain ponchos. They were labeled as Emergency Rain Ponchos.

They certainly weren’t ‘fashion emergency’ ponchos though, because I got the memo on sheer dressing for summer but it didn’t make mention of bin liners being du jour. I and my friends resembled a Puerto Rican couch sale on crack.

I also bought a pack of cleansing wipes and was promptly told by one of my friends that that was the gayest thing he’d ever seen. I hadn’t even shown him my cooling under-eye gel at that stage.
So that was the one time I was truly prepared because it just so happened that a down-pour occurred at the end of the night and indie kids were begging for them. One even managed to hibernate under mine for a full 20 minutes like a possum hiding in a tree until I realized she was there. I swiftly kicked her out into the pouring rain, tan in a can and all.

The cleansing wipes were a godsend by nightfall. The eye gel didn’t catch on though I’m not sure why, I mean, I was the only one there who had visibly reduced lines and puffiness by up to 70%, I can tell you that.

Two of my friends both have mini duffel rolls. One is printed tartan with extra long straps by Schwipe, the other is black faux-patent by American Apparel. What the hell does this mean apart from the obvious that they’re both gay? They’re both skinny nimble fuckers my friends so I think the size is relative to their bodies. They’d look ridiculous lugging my parachute sized bag around town. Plus they’re cooler than me, they’d never dare shop at Country Road. I have a theory that if they were to step foot into a CR store they’d burn to ash like Kirsten Dunst in Interview With The Vampire. Much like how my skin starts to bubble and smoke when I walk past a Fat store. I just don’t belong.
Hell, maybe this woman has a sound theory. My apologies for the hack insult, I’m projecting again.


NOTE: Since writing this article I’ve gotten myself a Raf Simons/Eastpak bag. Trust Raf to drag you out of bag purgatory.